Mr. X when I was young, the world seemed a land of opportunities, an exciting and exhilarating place to live. I was in demand, the women loved me, people around loved me, I was successful and respected by everybody, I lived life to its fullest.
Nothing was impossible, the sky was the limit. I felt like I could drink poison and still survive, I could jump from a building and not scratch a dime anything I touched could turn into gold a flow of intense energy channeled through my veins.
Now I am old, and the same world seems a land of slavery, hostility and scary place to live in. Much I cannot handle anymore and many battles I cannot win anymore. My opponents are younger, faster, smarter and stronger then I am. My knowledge is outdated, my ideas are old and obsolete it seems that I don’t have much to give to the world anymore.
I was always the head of the family, like a stem of the tree, I was respected, loved, others where dependent of me. Now I am no more than a rotten apple, nobody needs me anymore, I feel useless!
Man wants to feel important, productive, he needs this sense of significance in his life which is driven by challenges he meets. I just don’t have the energy or the willpower anymore to go for that extra mile. My brain has slowed down, I don’t learn new things as easily as I used to and I don’t get excited about anything anymore. It is like the life juice has evaporated in me.
I have difficult time in accepting this reality. My first encounter with this reality was with my own sun. Suddenly he could solve problems faster and better then I could, physically he had grown stronger than me. Instead of me teaching him new things he started to teach me. I felt proud but mixed with jealousy, because I knew he was exalting while I was going downhill.
I never thought that one day I would get old, weak and sick and my life will decay in front of my own eyes. I never wanted to look at the whole spectrum of life. I focused only on the parts I enjoyed the most, that was when I was young strong and vigorous! Now I feel so alone, everybody I loved are dead or dying. Soon my turn is coming, I am entering the inevitable truth of life, the death!
Why is it that we get old and weak, why would our creator not make us in a way that we could stay young and healthy forever. Why does our creator want us to see suffer? Why did he create this circle of birth and death, and if so why did he gave us this conscience of perceiving this decaying? I don’t belive in god or a paradise after life, what is then there for me, or is life no more than random occurrences in this vast existence.
………………. I do not see any reason to be afraid Mr. Russell. My answer may shock you as your reasoning has shocked me. Once a friend said to me, “why do you think about your own death?” . “Doesn’t everybody”, I thought to myself.
In some sense you could say I died the moment I was born, when my parents bought a cradle for my birth they should have also bought a coffin as reminder of the inevitable truth. I have thought about every step of my life from the very beginning till the very end. How I will look, feel, think and what I will be doing when I am old. How I want the last day of my life to be, how I will pass from life into the death. Who will be there to cry for me, how I will be buried, which words will I or the other speak about me. Death will be the crescendo of my life. Not to have thought about this is to have neglected the most important thing in live.
Do you which me to proceed Mr. Russell?