1st day I sat to practice morality(not to lie, not to kill, not to steal, not to intoxicate my self and not to have any sexual misconduct) to my surprise when ever I closed my eyes, my mind only dwelled toward sex, sex, sex and more sex.
2nd day I sat to practice morality, strangely yet another feeling had added namely of aggression now I was thinking of sex combined with aggression.
3rd day I sat to practice morality I had a strong urge to kill and destroy everything which even took breath in my direction.
4th day I sat to practice Samadhi to get mastery over my mind and I was thinking again only about sex. I was not experiencing any high state of consciousness but instead only experiencing pornographic images.
5th day I felt a tremendous sadness and a hollowness and a meaninglessness in all my activities. I cried the tears of no reason.
6th day I wanted to leave this prison and madness, I had packed my bag and was determined to fight my way out. But then I noticed an ant which was still struggling to pull one dry leave which it was trying to pull for previous 3 hour. This gave me motivation to continue.
7th day I was full of determination, full of hope but soon I felt depressed and frustrated again after sitting for 13 hours while feeling severe pain on all my body and still no feeling of ecstasy.
8th day I cannot really recall anymore. But I remember thinking about my tiger philosophy “The meaning of sadness”.
9th day something changed when I sat down, I sat for hours and hours, focused and alert, observing any changes in the physical body. The body was in much pain as I was observing this pain, I felt a separation from the pain like looking at you from the perspective of I. There was a stillness and a silence in which I heard the lights sings and I saw the sound dancing.
10th day I was in deep pain again not because of the physical pain, but of such short meeting with this feeling of ecstasy. A experience of sadness in which I experienced higher part of me but had to deal with this mundane “normal” truth again.
11th day everything was over again and I was happy that this madness stopped till I will start it again next time.
Everybody asked me what did you gain of it, I said I did not gain anything. I did lose something, that is my interest in all which is not!
Experiencing reality as it is not as I would like it to be!